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Quark : Uh-huh. Which brings to mind the 33rd Rule of Acquisition Quark : 48th Rule of Acquisition. Quark : 62nd Rule. Pell : That's right! Pell : But you know what rd Rule of Acquisition says! Quark : Not offhand. Pell : "Sleep can interfere with Necessary Evil [2. He's dying! What am I gonna do if my brother dies? Odo : Do? Oh, you'll have a lot to do once this place is yours.

Rom : But if my brother dies— Mine? Odo : "Wives serve, brothers inherit. Rom : brightening I hadn't thought of that. Odo : Didn't you? I had. In fact, it gives someone a strong motive for murder. Rom : Well, yes, I've heard of one or two cases where— Wait a minute! You're not suggesting that I— Odo : I've had my eye on you for a long time, Rom. You're not as stupid as you look.

Rom : I am, too! Second Sight [2. Quark : Taken in by one of your own victims, and no one to turn to but me? I can't remember when I've been so entertained.

Martus Mazur : I still have my dignity. Quark : "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack. The Alternate [2.

Mora Pol: You are truly a remarkable life-form, Odo. Armageddon Game [2. Dax and Kira are lifting a glass to them in Quark's, and Quark wants to add his own tribute. Quark: They were good customers. Kira: What?! That's it?! Quark : At times like this, I'm reminded of the 57th Rule of Acquisition: "Good customers are as rare as latinum. Treasure them. Miles O'Brien : I don't have a sense of humour. Julian Bashir : Cough. Paradise [2. Elim Garak : Or maybe I'm an outcast spy.

Julian Bashir : How can you be both? Elim Garak : I never said I was either. Blood Oath [2. Koloth : I am Koloth. Odo : That doesn't answer my question. Koloth : Yes, it does. Kira Nerys : Jadzia, your questions about my experience with killing— If you're wondering what it's like— When you take someone else's life, you lose a part of your own as well.

Jadzia Dax : Kang and Koloth don't want me to come with you. Kor : Well, Kang thinks too much. Koloth doesn't feel enough. Dax : And where do you stand? Kor : [distracted] Huh? Oh, of course you should come. The splendor of fighting and killing, a blood bath in the cause of vengeance. Who wouldn't want to come? Kor : The only weight I carry now, dear comrade, is I was once, if you remember, far less than you see I'm sorry.

Dax : What is this preoccupation you have with dying? I think living is much more attractive. Dax : Good question. Koloth : gets up Wait here. Kor : Where are you going?

Koloth : I'm going to find out if he's inside. Kor : And how do you intend to do that? Koloth : I'll ask somebody! Kang I was right after all, Dax. It is a good day to die. The Maquis, Part I [2. Gul Dukat : Now do you see, Commander? That without any help from either of us, they have managed to start their own little war out here.

Gul Dukat : A good interrogator doesn't allow his subject to die; you lose the advantage. The Maquis, Part II [2. You don't know that one, do you? Sakonna : I am not well-versed in Ferengi philosophy.

Quark : Remind me to give you a copy of the Rules; you'll never know when they'll come in handy. Now, the Third Rule clearly states, "Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to. But I fail to see how that applies to my situation. Quark : You want to acquire peace. Fine, peace is good. But how much are you willing to pay for it? Sakonna : Whatever it costs.

Quark : That's the kind of irresponsible spending that causes so many business ventures to fail. You're forgetting the Third Rule! Right now, peace could be bought at a bargain price, and you don't even realize it. Sakonna I find this very confusing.

Quark : [sighs] Then I'll make it so simple that even a Vulcan can understand: the Central Command has been caught red-handed smuggling weapons to their settlers. So every ship that approaches the de-militarized zone will be searched. Without the support of the Central Command, the Cardassian settlers won't be so eager to fight.

Sakonna : You forget the weapons they already have. Quark : They have weapons, you have weapons, everyone has weapons.

But right now, no one has a clear advantage! So the price of peace is at an all-time low. This is the perfect time to sit down and hammer out an agreement. Don't you get it? Attacking the Cardassians now will only escalate the conflict, and make peace more expensive in the long run. Now, I ask you Benjamin Sisko : Do you know what the trouble is? Benjamin Sisko : The trouble is Earth. Kira Nerys : Really? Benjamin Sisko : On Earth, there is no poverty, no crime, no war. You look out the window of Starfleet Headquarters and you see paradise.

Well, it's easy to be a saint in paradise, but the Maquis do not live in paradise. Out there, in the demilitarized zone, all the problems haven't been solved yet.

Out there, there are no saints. Just people. Angry, scared, determined people who are going to do whatever it takes to survive, whether it meets with the Federation approval or not. The Wire [2. Elim Garak : My dear doctor Julian Bashir : Even the lies? Elim Garak : Especially the lies. Elim Garak : I am no more a spy than you are Julian Bashir Julian Bashir : Still the man of mystery. Elim Garak : Oh, you wouldn't have me any other way. Julian Bashir : Well, in my medical opinion, it's sick.

Julian Bashir : to Jadzia Dax I'm a doctor, not a botanist! Elim Garak : Doctor, has anyone ever told you that you are an infuriating pest? Julian Bashir : And so they exiled you. Elim Garak : That's right! And left me to live out my days with nothing to look forward to but having lunch with you. Julian Bashir : I'm sorry you feel that way.

I thought you enjoyed my company. Elim Garak : Oh, I did! And that's the worst part. I can't believe that I actually enjoyed eating mediocre food and staring into your smug sanctimonious face. Bashir : Try not to yell at any more admirals for a while. Sisko : I wasn't yelling. I was expressing my opinion loudly.

Crossover [2. Intendant : That makes two of us. Sisko : We've got ships from here to New Bajor looking for the two of you. Where have you been? Kira : Through the looking glass, Commander. The Collaborator [2. Miles O'Brien : Was I supposed to? Keiko O'Brien : You said you were going to. Miles O'Brien : Did I? Keiko O'Brien : Last night, when we were going over the list in bed. Miles O'Brien : Not me. I was dead as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Keiko O'Brien : You talked to me for a half hour. Miles O'Brien : No, there must have been someone else in bed with us.

Miles O'Brien : I've been told that I've already been charged, indicted, convicted, and sentenced. What would I need with a lawyer? Kovat : Ah, Mister O'Brien, if it seems immodest of me, I apologize, but the role of Public Conservator is key to the productive functioning of our courts. I'm here to help you concede the wisdom of the state, to prepare you to accept the inevitable with equanimity. It makes them feel better about themselves.

It makes their lives more bearable. Miles O'Brien : So that's what this is all about? Make the people of Cardassia feel better, huh? Kovat : No, no, no, but that's not a bad side effect. Miles O'Brien : Have you ever won a case?

Kovat : Winning isn't everything. No one has ever questioned my loyalty. I don't steal from them. I don't lie to them. I'm no angel, but I try to live every day as the best human being I know how to be.

I need my little girl to wake up in the morning and look up at me and see a man she can respect. Until now, she always could. Odo : Being accused of a crime is not a disgrace, Chief. Some of the great figures of history have shared the honor with you. Miles O'Brien : I didn't figure on dying a martyr. Odo : Not all of them were martyrs; not all of them died. Some of them were just innocent men, like you.

Kovat : What? What happened? Odo : You won. Kovat : I won? They'll kill me. The Jem'Hadar [2. Benjamin Sisko : Not now, Quark. Quark : The way I see it, humans used to be a lot like Ferengi: greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We're a constant reminder of a part of your past you'd like to forget. Benjamin Sisko : Quark, we don't have time for this. Quark : You're overlooking something. Humans used to be a lot worse than Ferengi: slavery, concentration camps, interstellar war.

We have nothing in our past that approaches that kind of barbarism. You see? We're nothing like you: we're better. I was hoping the first race I'd meet from the other side of the anomaly would be the Klingons. Benjamin Sisko : I'm sorry to disappoint you. Third Talak'talan : It's too late for apologies. The Dominion will no longer stand by and allow ships from your side to violate our territory.

Season 3 [ edit ] The Search, Part I [3. Founder : Welcome home, Odo. The Search, Part II [3. Garak : Well, I wouldn't worry about that, Doctor. Jadzia Dax : That's easy for you to say. Garak : Oh, you misunderstand me, Lieutenant. All I meant was, it's a little foolish to worry about your careers at a time like this, when there's a good chance we're all about to be killed. Garak : Didn't anyone tell you? You see, I pretend to be their friend The House of Quark [3. Quark : There should be. Grilka : I really am very grateful for all you have done, Quark.

That is why I'm going to let you take your hand off my thigh instead of shattering every bone in your body. Quark : I am Quark, son of Keldar.

And I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of Well, if that's what you want, then that's what you'll get, an execution. No honor. D'Ghor : Whatever you say, Ferengi! I didn't want to believe the things he said about you yesterday Gowron : A brave Ferengi. Who would have thought it possible? Grilka : You have given me back my house and my family name.

How can I repay you? Quark : I would like a divorce, please. No offense! Grilka : None taken. I can give it to you right away Grilka backhands Quark, shouts a Klingon insult, and spits at him Grilka : smug You're a free man. Quark : [shrugs] I was lucky, that's all. If it didn't work, I didn't have another card to play. Business is dropping off again. Rom : Money isn't everything. Quark : If Father were alive, he'd wash your mouth out with galcor! Rom : You can't buy respect, brother.

And that's what you have now—respect! That's what you wanted, isn't it? Quark : Respect is good Equilibrium [3. Second Skin [3. Commander, if I were allowed on Cardassia, do you really think I'd be living here?

Sisko : Which brings up an interesting point. There're certain ministers in the Bajoran government who are concerned about your presence on the station; in fact, they want you removed. Right now, I see no alternative but to honor their request, unless of course I can show them how you might be valuable to us.

Odo : Rescuing Kira would go a long way toward improving your standing with the Bajoran government. Garak : Why should I care what the Bajoran government thinks of me? Sisko : I don't know.

But it seems to me, if someone were in trouble with the Cardassian Central Command, a Bajoran space station under Federation control might just be the safest place in the galaxy. Garak : Commander, this is extortion. Sisko : Hmm The Abandoned [3. If you are seeing this recording, it means you tried to abandon your post while the station's self-destruct sequence was engaged. That will not be permitted. Dukat : flustered This is outrageous!

Your attempt to escape is no doubt a final act of cowardice. All fail-safes have been eliminated. Your personal access codes have been rescinded.

The destruct sequence can no longer be halted. All you can do now is contemplate the depth of your disgrace Meridian [3. Thomas Riker : [saying the same thing William T. Gul Dukat : Today is his eleventh birthday.

I'd promised to take him to the amusement center in Lakarian City. He always wanted to go but I never have the time. I told him, this year will be different this year, Mekor. This year I will make the time. Benjamin Sisko : I've had the same experience with Jake. At that age they never understand, do they? And he won't look back with understanding, he'll look back with hatred.

And that's sad. Fascination [3. He was just beginning to annoy me. Jake Sisko : Dad, you promised Nerys would be here! Benjamin Sisko : She will be.

Lwaxana Troi : Zanthi Fever?!? Oh, that— that's ridicu- that's impossible. That only affects older Betazoids. Julian Bashir : Well, that may be, but according to my tests, you show all the symptoms.

Zanthi Fever is a virus which affects the empathic abilities of um It causes them to project their emotions onto others. Benjamin Sisko : Then Mrs. Troi's amorous feelings for— [ knowing smile ] someone on the station were being passed along to the people around her. Julian Bashir : Not everyone, only those within close proximity to her when she had an attack; and even then, there would have had to have been some pre-existing latent attraction.

Best not think about it too much, if you ask me. Lwaxana Troi : I'm terribly sorry, Commander. I hope I haven't caused too much trouble. Benjamin Sisko : I'm sure no permanent harm was done. Right, Doctor? Julian Bashir : A simple wide-spectrum anti-viral agent should cure Mrs. Troi, and as for everyone else, well, they'll be back to normal in a day or two. Excuse me. Benjamin Sisko : [stopping him] I think you ought to postpone that visit Julian Bashir : [disappointed sigh] [Infatuated with Keiko] Quark : My ears tingle at the sight of you.

Julian Bashir : Nervous, Chief? Miles O'Brien : What are you talking about? Julian Bashir : That's your fifth cup of coffee in twenty minutes. Miles O'Brien : I didn't realize you were keeping track.

Julian Bashir : Oh, nervous and irascible. Miles O'Brien : If you hadn't seen your wife and child for two months, you'd be irascible too. Miles O'Brien : Ha, I doubt that. Julian Bashir : How many games of raquetball have we played in the last two months? Miles O'Brien : I don't know. Fifteen, maybe twenty. Julian Bashir : Try seventy. I've been keeping track of that, too, and do you know what all those games have proved to me?

That I'm a poor substitute for your wife. Miles O'Brien : I could have told you that sixty games ago. Kira Nerys : Now, Jake, what can I do for you? Jake Sisko : I need some advice. See, there's this older woman and I think we're perfect for each other.

Kira Nerys : Ah, and she doesn't. Jake Sisko : I don't know what she thinks. Kira Nerys : Well, Jake, my advice to you is to tell Marda how you feel.

That way you'll know Jake Sisko : Marda and I broke up. Kira Nerys : You broke up? Well then, who? Jake Sisko : You. Kira Nerys Jake Sisko : I love you, Nerys. Wanna go out with me? Quark : You humans, you never learn. You let your women go out in public, hold jobs, wear clothing, and you wonder why your marriages fall apart. Past Tense, Part I [3. Quark : You can't free a fish from water. Past Tense, Part II [3. I don't think so. Benjamin Sisko : Think again. Biddle Coleridge : I thought we were on the same side here!

Benjamin Sisko : We are—but you get on my nerves, and I don't like your hat. Now put the gun down. Doctor Bashir : There is one thing I don't understand; how could they have let things get so bad? Benjamin Sisko : That's a good question, Doctor. I wish I had an answer. Doctor Bashir : It's not your fault the way things are. Lee : Everybody tells themselves that. And nothing ever changes. Life Support [3. The next time we are asked out to dinner, I'll make sure you're the one who says, "No".

Odo : I'd appreciate that. Sisko : And "A Ferengi without profit Nog : I may not have an instinct for business. But I have my father's hands and my uncle's tenacity. I know I've got something to offer.

I just need the chance to prove it. How could she? You are a Changeling. Destiny [3. Jadzia Dax : Oh, you're right. What's the 34th? Quark : "War is good for business. Prophet Motive [3. Quark : Read me the first word of every rule.

Rom : flipping through the pages "If" "never" "keep" "profit" "a" "good" "smile" "honesty" Quark : Aha! Quark : It means Quark : You embezzled money from the Nagus? Rom : Surprise! Quark : Father would be proud! Visionary [3. Quark : Yes? O'Brien : Dabo. Quark : Dabo? Quark : O'Brien!

Distant Voices [3. Miles O'Brien : No I don't! Elim Garak : To think—after all this time, all our lunches together—you still don't trust me.

There's hope for you yet, doctor. Through the Looking Glass [3. Elim Garak : Are you sure that's the point, Doctor? Julian Bashir : Of course. What else could it be? Elim Garak : That you should never tell the same lie twice. Elim Garak : The truth is usually just an excuse for the lack of imagination. Bashir : Is there anything you need me to do while you're gone? Garak : Like what? Bashir : I don't know— Any unfinished business? Garak : Actually, Doctor, there is something.

Behind that panel is a compartment containing an isolinear rod. If I'm not back within 78 hours, I want you to take that rod and eat it. Bashir : Eat it?! Garak : Um-hum. Bashir : You're joking. Garak : Yes, Doctor, I am. Bashir : Very. Garak : I thought so! There is nothing you can do for me while I'm away. Elim Garak : I never even touched him. Enabran Tain : That was the beauty of it. You just sat there for—what, three hours?

Elim Garak : Four! Enabran Tain : And after four hours of watching you stare at him, he confessed. Elim Garak : I was good, wasn't I? Enabran Tain : You were brilliant. Afterwards, he just kept saying, "His eyes Elim Garak : Warp six? That's a little slow, isn't it? What could have happened?

Elim Garak : I'm afraid the fault, dear Tain, is not in our stars, but in ourselves. Enabran Tain : What? Chief Miles O'Brien : My mother always said, 'If you try to combine talking and eating, you'll end up doing neither very well. Lie if you have to, but say it, now, please! Lovok Changeling : The Tal Shiar and the Obsidian Order are both ruthless, efficient organizations—a definite threat to us. Odo : But not after today? Lovok Changeling : No, after today the only threat remaining to us from the Alpha Quadrant are the Klingons and the Federation.

And I doubt either of them will be a threat for much longer. Elim Garak : Do you know what the sad part is, Odo? I'm a very good tailor. Explorers [3. It just means I'm never wrong. Michael Eddington : People don't enter Starfleet to become commanders, or admirals for that matter.

It's the captain's chair that everyone has their eye on. Chief Miles O'Brien : looking at two Odos, one is real and the other a Changeling imposter I have more important things to do than play "Choose the Changeling"! Odo : The Changeling, before he died, he whispered something to me. Benjamin Sisko : Go on. Odo : He said, "You're too late. We're everywhere. Otherwise, we never would have started these upgrades, let alone have them almost finished by now. Major Kira : There's something to be said for incentive.

Chief O'Brien : Uh-huh. I just hope everything works okay. Major Kira : You're saying you're not sure? Chief O'Brien : The way I see it, there are two possibilities: either everything will be fine, or Major Kira : Or?

Chief O'Brien : [slightly hesitant] Or we end up blowing the station to pieces. Well, let's hope we don't have to find out. Elim Garak : I find this hand-to-hand combat really quite distasteful.

Gul Dukat : I suppose you prefer the simplicity of an interrogation chamber? Elim Garak : You have to admit, it's much more civilized. Benjamin Sisko : Arm quantum torpedoes. Drop the cloak and raise shields. We're going in. Benjamin Sisko : I finally realized that it wasn't Starfleet that I was trying to get away from. I was trying to escape the pain I felt after my wife's death.

I thought I could take the uniform, wrap it around the pain, and toss them both away. But it doesn't work like that. Running may help for a little while, but sooner or later the pain catches up with you, and the only way to get rid of it is to stand your ground and face it. Julian Bashir : I'm sure there's more than one Klingon who thinks that slaying a Changeling would be worthy of a song or two.

Odo : Doctor, if a Klingon were to kill me, I'd expect an entire opera on the subject. Odo : Come on, Quark, move it along.

You should be in the emergency shelter by now. Quark : I'm not going to any emergency shelter! This is my bar and I'm going to defend it. And how do you plan to do that? Quark : With this. Quark : No, this is my disruptor pistol, the one I used to carry back in the old days when I was serving on that Ferengi freighter. Odo : I thought you were the ship's cook. Quark : That's right, and every member of that crew thought he was a food critic. If the Klingons try to get through these doors, I'll be ready for them.

He opens the box, which is empty save for a note. Odo takes it out. Odo : reads aloud "Dear Quark, I used parts of your disruptor to fix the replicators. Will return them soon. Odo : With what? Kira Nerys : He didn't leave me any choice.

Julian Bashir : Wait, wait, wait. What did she do? Jadzia Dax : She knocked out Lancelot. Kira Nerys : He kissed me. Jadzia Dax : He's supposed to kiss you. Kira Nerys : But I was playing a married woman. Worf : Nice hat. Kira Nerys : [pulling the wimple off] I don't usually dress like this. We were in the holosuite Worf : So I gathered.

Jadzia Dax : That's right. And I don't usually dress like this either. Worf : Curzon's name is an honoured one among my people.

Jadzia Dax : in Klingon Yes, but I'm a lot better-looking than he was. Worf : I suppose so. You're either lost, or desperately searching for a good tailor. Drex : Guess again! Julian Bashir : They broke seven of your transverse ribs and fractured your clavicle.

Elim Garak : Ah, but I got off several cutting remarks, which no doubt did serious damage to their egos. Julian Bashir : Garak, this isn't funny. Elim Garak : I'm serious, Doctor! Thanks to your ministrations, I'm almost completely healed, but the damage I did to them will last a lifetime.

Elim Garak : It's vile. Quark : I know. It's so bubbly and cloying and happy. Elim Garak : Just like the Federation. Quark : And you know what's really frightening? If you drink enough of it, you begin to like it. Elim Garak : It's insidious. Quark : Just like the Federation. Quark : I hope so. Benjamin Sisko : We've had a year to prepare this station for a Dominion attack, and we're more than ready. Gowron : laughs You're like a toothless old grishna cat, trying to frighten us with your roar!

Benjamin Sisko : I assure you, this old cat may not be as toothless as you think. Right now I've got five thousand photon torpedoes armed and ready to launch. If you don't believe me, feel free to scan the station. An illusion created by thoron fields and duranium shadows. Benjamin Sisko : It's no illusion. Gowron : We shall see. Gowron : Your shields are down, your station boarded, and more Klingon ships are on their way! Surrender while you can! Benjamin Sisko : I don't think so.

My shields are holding, your boarding parties are contained, and my reinforcements are closer than yours. Benjamin Sisko : referring to the Federation reinforcements So what do you want me to tell them? To stand down or come in firing?

Gowron It is we who shall stand down. Martok : Agh Dogh! Gowron : Enough! I do not intend to hand victory to Dominion! But hear this. The Klingon Empire will remember what has happened today. You have sided against us in battle! And THIS we do not forgive or forget! The Visitor [4. It's life, Jake!

You can miss it if you don't open your eyes! Jake Sisko : This is the last chance I'm ever going to have to help you. Benjamin Sisko : Jake, it's over. Vincent Gardenia Barney as Barney. Alyson Reed Alex as Alex. Joel Brooks Jake as Jake. Julianne Phillips Molly as Molly.

Chelsea Field Amy as Amy. Peter Donat Sparky as Sparky. Don Gordon Curt as Curt. Denise Crosby Angie as Angie. Michael Kidd Dr. Westford as Dr. Bryan Genesse Rick as Rick. Bo Foxworth Greg as Greg.

Raye Hollitt Lonnie as Lonnie. Brenda Swanson Emily as Emily. Heidi Paine Tina as Tina. More like this. Watch options. Storyline Edit. Zach Hutton is a womanizing, drunken writer whose life seems to be falling apart at the seams.

He's still in love with his ex-wife whose family can't stand him , writer's block is keeping him from completing his latest novel, and he repeatedly finds himself in trouble of one sort or another with the law, ex-girlfriends, and jealous boyfriends. The comedy that glows in the dark. Did you know Edit. Trivia 'Nina Foch', who played John Ritter 's mother-in-law in the film, was originally Ritter's acting coach when he was a student at Hollywood High School and he was really nervous when he met up with her again on the set of the movie.

Goofs During the latter half of the movie Zach's beard alternates between real and obviously fake. Quotes Zack Hutton : [rubbing genie lamp] Get me the fuck out of here. User reviews 43 Review. Top review. Get on this relationship merry go round John Ritter is in fine form as writer with writers block, a drinking problem, and at least a bunch of relationship problems.

Ritter trying to change his character, even as his life is spiraling out of control, provides plenty of laughs. Vincent Gardenia plays a bartender, and John Ritter is his best customer. The movie is highly original, and maintains interest throughout. My only objection would be that some scenes go on a little too long. If you enjoy Blake Edward's comedies like the "Pink Panther" films, you will not be disappointed.